A loving connection is the bedrock of a committed relationship—all couples are trying to find ways to remain emotionally close to one another as they navigate the complexities of life. When people feel deeply connected to their partners, they often describe feeling “complete,” “whole” or fully “understood” by their partners. This is one of the remarkable gifts that only intimacy can bring.
Jane, a fifty-three-year-old flight attendant, describes the emotional connection she shares with her husband:
“It’s like we’re dancing to our favorite song. You know how a song you love makes you feel really alive? When things are going well, our steps are in tune and I can almost anticipate my husband’s next move and he can anticipate mine. This lifts me up in ways I can’t fully explain.”
Dancing is the perfect metaphor to describe intimacy. It involves being in sync with each other, attuned to the needs and emotional rhythms of your partner.
Let’s look at ways to nurture intimacy.
5 key ingredients to keep your relationship dance in top form and you and your partner in step:
1. Effectively communicating your needs—letting your partner know what works and doesn’t, what is helpful and unhelpful.
Healthy communication needs to exist alongside healthy and realistic expectations about your partner. If you expect your partner to meet all your needs, or to intuit your needs without direct communication, you are setting the stage for frustration. Focus on communicating what you need, rather than attacking your partner when s/he fails to meet your needs.
2. The ability to compromise and accept the differences that exist between you and your partner.
No matter how attuned you and your partner are to each other’s needs and desires, the fact that you are separate beings will be felt in your relationship (e.g., you might have different ways of handling stress or you may express your needs differently). When you and your partner accept the inherent differences that will always exist between two people, you create a relationship atmosphere that allows each other’s essence and uniqueness to unfold.
3. The ability to forgive your partner.
Forgiveness plays an important role in your marriage or relationship. Even with the best intentions, partners end up hurting each other. This is heightened when you bring the most vulnerable and raw parts of yourself into the relationship—intimacy requires this level of emotional exposure. Without the ability to forgive your partner for his/her blunders and relationship missteps, resentments build. There is no greater obstacle to intimacy than pent-up grievances. When forgiveness is part of your relationship terrain, space is created for the missteps that are inevitable. This gives you the freedom to be yourself—an imperfect human who is trying his/her best to be a loving partner.
4. Affirming each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities.
When your and your partner affirm each other, your uniqueness is recognized and appreciated. Marriages and relationships that include affirmations are more robust. Consider for a moment how you feel when your partner acknowledges your victories as well as when s/he is compassionate and supportive when you feel insecure. Couples often report greater levels of intimacy when meaningful affirmations are a regular part of their relationship.
5. Be a consistent and reliable presence for your partner.
Trust is the foundation of intimacy and if you want to build a stronger connection with your partner, you need to follow through on your word. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Obviously we all mess up now and then, but repeatedly failing to be a responsible partner will only erode the foundation of intimacy. When you do what you said you were going to do, and you respond to your partner in a consistent way, the dance of intimacy is likely to proceed smoothly.
Remember, even the best dancers (like the best relationships) fall out of step with each other, and if you’re like most people, your relationship dance will stumble from time to time. Disagreements, misunderstandings and life’s stresses may drive wedges between you and your partner, temporarily weakening your connection.
All marriages and relationships involve cycles of closeness and distance, intimacy and loneliness. You will only set yourself up for disappointment if you assume that you should always feel intensely connected with your partner. Even “soul-mates” clumsily step on each other’s feet.
When your relationship dance falls out of step (which it will), try to remember the following:
~It is perfectly normal that you and your partner bounce between connection and disconnection.
~As long as you both give your relationship the attention it deserves, these missteps will be temporary.
~During moments of disconnection, give each other the time needed to regain your emotional footing.
~When you’re both ready, work toward understanding why these missteps occurred.
Problems can arise when you allow the natural disconnections that occur in your marriage or relationship to linger indefinitely. Don’t use the frequency of these normal relationship tangles as a diagnostic tool for your relationship, but instead use the fact that you and your partner are committed to working on repairing these natural missteps as a sign of a strong union. So whether you have two left feet or are a skilled dancer, learn to appreciate and enjoy the dance of intimacy as it unfolds in your relationship.
To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
There are two times that people put the most effort into a relationship–at the beginning, and at the end. At the beginning, we want so much to spend time together that we will make time to do whatever it takes. At the end of a relationship, we spend a lot of effort just to keep ourselves together while our relationship is falling apart. Many people learn too late that the most important time to work on a relationship is . . . every day. Because, while choosing a good partner is essential, just committing to someone does not ensure years of happiness.
To continue to reap the rewards of a great relationship, there is a continual amount of work that must be done. Just as a farmer cannot sow his seeds and sit back until they mature, so it is that we cannot expect an initial commitment to carry us to a great relationship.
Following these 10 steps will help to keep your relationship healthy and thriving:
1. Give and take–Couples who have been married 50 years or more say that the number one reason their marriages have survived is “give and take.” There are times that our needs must be met, but there are also times when we need to sacrifice for the sake of our partner (and our relationship).
2. Dating–Dating is not just for meeting people. It is the number one ingredient in keeping a marriage fun. The more children there are in a relationship, the greater the need for dating. Dating can be defined as doing something enjoyable with your partner, outside the home, without the kids. One time a week is minimal for most couples.
3. Love is given–Love needs to be demonstrated in ways that are perceived as loving by our partner. Just to feel like we love our partner is not enough to keep their love tank full. For some, loving is receiving gifts or favors; for others physical touch or sex; and for others it is doing activities together. Just because we like something doesn’t mean our partner does. Love must be given in a way that it can be received.
4. Trust is earned–Without trust there can be no intimacy in a relationship. Trust, unlike love, is not given but can only be earned. We earn our partner’s trust by following through on our commitments and consistently behaving in a way that is good for our relationship.
5. Communicate honestly–Lack of honest communication indicates lack of trust or insecurity. Either is detrimental to a relationship. To be honest with each other means that there must be a freedom to express ideas that your partner does not like and does not have to like. When we agree that listening does not necessitate agreement, it is easier to be open and honest with each other.
6. Use the power of visualization–We can only achieve what we can conceive. The way you think about your partner and your future together will impact the way you feel and behave toward each other. Negative images must lead to corrective action or be replaced with positive ones. Positive thinking about your partner puts a gleam in your eye which is apparent to your partner.
7. Make your needs known–Eliminate all complaining by changing your complaints to requests. Requests risk rejection, but complaints guarantee it. Do you really want your spouse to stop watching TV or are you really wanting your spouse to sit and talk with you? Ask your spouse to sit and talk with you rather than complaining about his or her TV viewing.
8. Agree–Rather than listening for the part of what your partner is saying that you disagree with and then debating about it, listen for what your partner is saying that you agree with. Sometimes partners feel like you are looking for something to pick at because you only comment when you disagree. Frequent agreement will make the disagreements more tolerable.
9. Go the extra step–The little bit extra that we do for any job or relationship makes all the difference both in early dating and in maintaining the relationship. Make your spouse’s lunch? Include a little love note. Greet your spouse with a kiss? Kiss his or her neck too. Whatever you do, think about how you can add just a little more to make it special.
10. Make a relationship plan–Living from day to day without any goals for the future leads to routine, stagnation, boredom, or burnout. When you and your partner are working on goals together, you share something that the rest of the world doesn’t have. And that creates a special world for the two of you.
Just as it’s easier to change your car oil than to replace the transmission, so it is easier to work on your relationship before problems occur. Being in love has never been enough to maintain a long term relationship. Doing what it takes to have a good long term relationship, however, will increase your feelings of love. Working one on one with a relationship coach will give you more specific ways to address issues important to your relationship. Success can happen if you make it happen.
Think back on your day yesterday. How many people did you interact with?
• Via phone
• Via email
• Via instant message
• In a meeting
• Face to face (imagine that!)
Seriously, make a quick list.
I`m guessing it`s a longer list than you might have anticipated.
Some of these interactions were one-off conversations and not ongoing relationships, I`m sure. You also may not have interacted yesterday with some of the more prominent or important people with whom you have a working relationship either (feel free to add those people to your list now).
This simple exercise should reinforce what you likely know, but may not often think about; our work is made up of relationships. And since there are very few things we can succeed at without the help of others, in some ways our success is directly correlated to the strength of our relationships.
Because we are human, not all of these relationships are going to be perfect. Things are going to happen, words will be said and circumstances will be misunderstood. And because of this, if you want to have more success, less stress and more enjoyment in your work (and who doesn`t want those things?), we all need to become more skilled at mending relationships when they are broken, slightly wounded or even just fragile.
Here are seven steps or actions you can take to mend, improve and even nurture working elationships (or any relationship for that matter).
The Seven Steps
Decide. The first step is you must decide that you want to improve the relationship. The precursor to this step is recognition – recognizing that the relationship needs improving – but the heart of this is the decision that this relationship matters enough for you to make the effort required to improve it. Without this decision, nothing else matters.
Forgive or let it go. If you feel the other person has done something to cause the rift or break-down, you must either forgive them or let go of your issues with it. Without this step, the steps that follow may help some, but will be limited in their success.
Take ownership. Recognize your role in the relationship, and take ownership and responsibility for it. Yes, deciding and forgiving are accountability actions; but being clear that regardless of the situation you have played a role in the change to the relationship is critical to your success in repairing any damage. Otherwise you are only blaming the other person – which cripples your chance for improvement.
Make your intention clear. Once you have decided to take actions to improve the relationship, your behaviors will change. Take the time to explain your decision and your intention to improve the relationship. Let the other person know that both the situation and the person matter to you, and you want a better relationship. This cements your commitment and communicates your intention to the other person.
Assume positive intent. While I have long believed this concept in a variety of situations, a colleague recently expressed it this way and it makes the idea completely clear. Assume the other person was – and is – acting in good faith. Will you be wrong sometimes? Perhaps. But by starting from this assumption you will immediately change your perception and therefore your behaviors toward that person.
Listen more. We all know how important listening is and how good it makes us feel when we are truly being listened to. Grant that gift to the other person. Listen intently, carefully and actively. Not only will you understand them (and their perspective) better, but they will trust you more and the relationship will build from their perspective.
Make an effort. Deciding is one thing. Doing is quite another. If you want better relationships, you must make the effort – it will seldom, if ever, happen automatically.
In many ways the first and last steps are the priorities, and the other steps are some of the key efforts you must take. Some of these steps may be difficult mentally, and some you may not feel are your responsibility in your situation.
Recognize too that you don`t have to do any of them. Be aware, however, that perhaps the step you aren`t mentally or emotionally ready to take may be the one that is blocking you from repairing or growing the relationship.
Yes, every relationship is two-sided; yet, each of these steps is completely in your control. Your efforts can`t guarantee the healthy relationship you desire, but not taking these steps dooms the relationship to remain at its current level at best.
I wish you great success with your choices and the relationships that result.
Potential Pointer: Your working life is filled primarily with the people you interact with – Customers, peers, employees or bosses. By this measure, your ability to create great working relationships is one measure of your ultimate success. It is therefore critical that you learn to build solid working relationships, and actively repair them when/if they become damaged in some way.
Kevin Eikenberry is a leadership expert and the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group, a learning consulting company that helps Clients reach their potential through a variety of training, consulting and speaking services. You can learn more about him and a special offer on his newest book, Remarkable Leadership: Unleashing Your Leadership Potential One Skill at http://RemarkableLeadershipBook.com/bonuses.asp .
Stop for a moment and consider this relationship – Paul works extremely long hours – he enjoys work but primarily in the current climate he is making sure he is not one of those people that his company is considering making redundant, his partner Carla spends all of her time looking after their two children – cooking, washing, taking them to school and acting as a taxi for their very busy social lives! Now Paul feels that she does not have time for his needs and is not interested in him any more
So what do you think? – Can this relationship be saved? Should this relationship be saved? Personally I think this describes many relationships in this day and age (perhaps it even describes your relationship) and I think it should be saved, so here are 5 steps which could really save this relationship.
1 – First step is to decide whether the relationship is worth saving. Truth is, whilst every relationship can be saved with a little hard work, ultimately both parties must decide and agree that they want to make things work – If one of the partners has opted out and does not want to opt back in again, then the reality is that little can be done.
Unfortunately too many people stay in a relationship because it is convenient, or because of the children – but that really is not enough. How to save a relationship starts with a commitment from both parties that they both think the relationship is worth saving.
2 – The next step is to identify what the actual problem – or even problems there are in the relationship. One of the biggest problems in How to Save a Relationship is that people believe the symptoms of the problem are the problem itself.
Now most people would say that an affair is a problem that causes a relationship to break up – however the reality is that the affair is actually a symptom of a deeper problem within the relationship itself. For instance a lack of true intimacy between the partners can lead to one of them straying, now the injured party may well say – well the affair was what caused us to break up, when the actual truth was that there was no intimacy between the two partners.
By not dealing with the intimacy issue, all you are doing is putting the problem off to raise itself again in the future, now the future problem may well not be another affair, but it could be another problem – and this is all because you have not dealt with the core issue. When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can save the relationship.
3 – Now that the core issues are on the table, you can start to share your thoughts. This not only means verbalizing your own feelings but also allowing your partner to do the same thing and listening to their concerns. One great piece of advice here is to make sure you hold your partners hand when you are talking about your problems as a sign that you want to re-connect even when your emotions are all over the place, but remember when your partner talks about things that hurt you – they are not doing this because they want to hurt you, but because they want to improve the relationship.
4 – Create an action plan – now that you have detailed the problems in your relationship, create an action plan on how to save your relationship and solve the problems. Then, make sure you take concrete steps to put your plan into action. If you don’t spend time together like you used to – then plan at least one date every week and make sure you stick to it. Both of you take turns in coming up with creative things to do on that night. Maybe talking or not communicating is the issue – well then plan to spend some regular time (perhaps before you go to bed) with no other distractions such as TV or even the kids! and talk.
5 – Finally, saving a relationship is not a one time throw away thing – it is an ongoing process and at times it may seem like trying to push water up hill! – You may take two steps forward only to take one step back – but hey if it is worth saving then it is worth going through a little pain – there is going to be equal measures of laughter and tears going forward. So remember to be quick to apologize and slow to blame.
So after all of that – is your relationship worth saving? Is your relationship very similar to the relationship outlined at the top of this article? If so then I have detailed a number of steps on how to save a relationship.
Jackie Evans writes and talks about relationship issues, you can find out more about relationship issues at her website
You are here because you are wondering how to save a relationship, your relationship. Maybe one or both of you works long hours. Maybe one or both of you feels neglected. Maybe infidelity is involved. No matter, the question is how to save the relationship. Here are 5 important steps on how to save your relationship…
Step 1 – Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?
The first thing you must do is figure out if your relationship is really worth saving. Now, it is true that nearly every relationship can be saved with hard work and commitment from both parties in the relationship. But, both parties must be committed to make it work. If one does not commit to it, then there is little that can be done to save the relationship. And many couples stay in a relationship because it is convenient / easier to do, or, stay because of the children.
How to save a relationship starts with a commitment by both parties that the relationship is really worth saving and not just for the children (although this is important) or convenience sake.
Step 2 – Identify The Root Problem(s) In Your Relationship
Next, you must figure out the problem(s) in your relationship. And I mean the root problem, not the symptom(s). One of the biggest problems in how to save a relationship is that people generally mistake the symptoms of the problem for the problem itself. For example, many people think that an affair is a problem that causes break ups. But the affair is a usually a symptom of a deeper problem.
For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying partner, who otherwise might not have strayed. While most people look at the ‘affair’ as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair is the ‘lack of intimacy’ in the primary relationship. True, you might be able to keep another affair from happening through the use of ‘guilt’, but another problem could occur simply because you have not dealt with the root problem, the lack of intimacy.
This is only one example, but when you start to deal with the root problems in your relationship and not the symptoms, then your relationship can be saved.
Step 3 – Communicate Effectively
Having pinpointed the root problem(s), you should now be in a much better position to begin to share your thoughts with each other. This means listening to your partner’s concerns, as well as verbalizing your own feelings and concerns. You can hold your partner’s hand when you are talking about your problems as a signal that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are all over the place.
And remember that, when your partner says things that may hurt you, they are not doing it to hurt you, but because they want to improve your relationship. This is a very important part of the healing process, so keep your head and do not let your emotions run away with you.
Step 4 – Create An Action Plan
Once you have detailed the problems in your relationship, create an agreed actionable plan to solve them. Then, take concrete steps on your action plan. If you do not spend time together like you used to do, then arrange one night a week for example. And take turns coming up with creative ways to spend that evening together over the weeks. If it is not possible at this stage to spend an evening together, then agree to commit to spending 20 minutes before going to bed just talking to one another.
Step 5 – Accept That Saving A Relationship Is An Ongoing Process
Finally, you should realize that saving a relationship is an ongoing process. You are going to take two steps forward only to take one step back. There is going to be both laughter and tears going forward. Be quick to apologize and slow to blame. And be patient.
Is your relationship worth saving? If so, I’ve described in this article how to begin to save your relationship using 5 important first steps. But as with most things in life, but especially in a relationship, there are still many obstacles to overcome. If these are not handled right all your good work can be for nothing, and you may never experience the ‘magic of making up’.
Is your relationship worth saving? If so, I’ve described in this article how to begin to save your relationship using 5 important first steps. But as with most things in life, but especially in a relationship, there are still many obstacles to overcome. If these are not handled right all your good work can be for nothing, and you may never experience the ‘magic of making up’.
Now, if you are still certain that you want to save your relationship then go here http://how-to-get-your-ex-back-using-magic.blogspot.com where you will get more free advice on video and some important info. on more advanced techniques on how to save your relationship.
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