John works long hours and Elizabeth does not feel he is there for her. Elizabeth spends all of her time meeting the children’s needs and John feels that she does not have time for his needs? Can this relationship be saved? Should it be saved? Here is how to save a failing relationship.
First, you must decide whether the relationship is worth saving. While almost every failing relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must decide that they want to make it work. Because if a partner has opted out and does not want to opt back in, there is little that can be done.
Many people stay in a failing relationship because it is convenient or remain in a marriage because of the children. But that is not enough. How to save a failing relationship starts with a commitment by both parties that the relationship is worth saving.
Next, you must pinpoint the problem or problems in a failing relationship. One of the biggest problems in how to save a relationship is that people believe the symptoms of the problem are the problem itself.
For instance, many people think an affair is a problem that causes break ups. In truth, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying spouse. While most people look at the affair as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair was the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. If you do not deal with the lack of intimacy, you might be able to keep another affair from starting through the use of guilt, but another problem (for instance pornography) could pop up because you have not dealt with the core issue.
When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can save the failing relationship.
Once you have identified the core problems, you can begin to share your thoughts. This means both verbalizing your own feelings and listening to your partner’s concerns. Hold your partner’s hand when you are talking about your problems as a signal that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are swirling. When your partner talks about things that hurt you remember that he or she is not doing it because he or she wants to hurt you. Rather it is because they want to improve the relationship.
Once you have detailed the problems in your relationship, create an action plan to solve them. Then, take concrete steps on your action plan. If you do not spend time together like you used to, plan a date night every week. Take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together each Wednesday. If not communicating is the problem, commit to spending 20 minutes before going to bed just talking to one another. And, then do it.
Finally, you should realize that saving a failing relationship is an ongoing process. You are going to take two steps forward only to take one step back. There is going to be both laughter and tears going forward. Be quick to apologize and slow to blame.
Is your relationship worth saving? If so, I have described in this article how to save a failing relationship.
Does your to-do list look something like this?
• Walk dog
• Water plants
• Break up with significant other
Okay, while ending a long term relationship is hardly at the top of anybody’s calendar, the fact is that when a relationship has gone sour, someone has to make the move to end it.
The truth is that many relationships last long beyond the “expire by” date just because breaking up is hard to do. Sometimes a break up happens in dramatic fashion with clothes being thrown out of a second story window.
Other times, the relationship just peters out until someone says “its caput.” How do you go about ending a long term relationship so that neither party gets hurt? You need to get clear on why you want to terminate the romance. The immediate reason that jumps into your mind may not be the real reason. Once you get clear, the next step on how to end a long term relationship is to get honest.
That means that in your discussion with your partner that you are true to yourself and to them. Schedule a mutually convenient time for the breakup. In general, it is better to do it in person rather than over the phone, but if distance is an issue in the relationship, you should do it sooner than wait for a time you can get together.
Get into a state of compassion when ending the long term relationship. If you want to stay friends after the break up, you need to conclude the romantic ties with love and compassion.
Do not put your partner on the defensive. Talk about the things you have learned and the memories you will cherish that have come from your love. Be present during the break up.
Your partner may become very emotional during this time. You need to respond to their needs. Do not take anything personally when ending a long term relationship. Your partner may say things they do not really mean. Let these words roll off of your back. Your partner may need to meet with you more than once to conclude the relationship. Or, they may need space. Give your ex what they need to get through the transition time.
But do not let them make you feel guilty. You are ready to begin a new phase in your life and it will not include a romantic relationship with your ex. It is best if you retain a positive relationship of some sort with them, but if you are ending the relationship for the right reasons, it is best for both of you.
Should you ever consider reconnecting? Does ending a long term relationship always mean “the end, close the book?”
That is something you have to decide. Virtually all relationships can be saved if certain conditions are met. If you have the time and are willing to make the effort, you can get through this period as an even stronger couple.
However, if you are determined to walk away, it is best to end a long term relationship with a clean break and move on.
Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue has done wonders in helping people pick up the pieces of their lives after tragic events. This is the same thing that he does on his television show where he helps people deal with families suffering from various problems. He has found effective ways to help people sort out their issues.
Having Dr. Phillip McGraw help you deal with your problems personally would be great. But we cannot be on his show everyday, so his book Relationship Rescue will be a handy reference. Seeking counseling is also a good step to take but not always practical. As Dr. Phil advises, if a relationship has to be saved, both partners must put real work on it.
The book Relationship Rescue sketches helpful methods on healing a relationship, such as encouraging partners in a relationship to introspect and accept that there are problems in the relationship and exert effort to make them right, each partner working on their own specific problems.
Dr. Phil further advises people to do some soul searching about how they feel regarding the relationship. He has indicated a list of questions per topic such as “Relationship Health Profile,” “Personal Concepts Profile,” “The Relationship Behavior Profile: Your Partner,” “The Relationship Behavior Profile: You.” The titles will already give us an idea about the amount of work and self analysis that will go into answering the questionnaires. Answering the questions sincerely will bring better insight about the relationship which will redound to improved relationships.
In this book Dr. Phil also endorses individuals in a relationship to put the relationship in a positive light. People generally exaggerate the situations in a relationship making it appear to be really in a bad state. If they look at things more positively, then instead of losing hope that things could no longer be turned around, they will be say that the problem can still be solved and the relationship can still be salvaged.
As usual, Dr. Phil imparts practical advice on relationship that will entail a lot of serious thinking and real work. Millions of people have followed his advice and have experienced remarkable positive changes in their lives. People who are very busy or are not particularly fond of reading can use the condensed audio book version of Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue that presents the information in simple, easy to understand steps in Dr. Phil’s own voice.
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