In this article we apply the lessons of the Law of Attraction to partnership relationships or romantic relationships, though the insights discussed apply to all relationships of all kinds – friends, parent/child, etc.
The people we attract to ourselves in life match up vibrationally with some energy we’re projecting. Attracting the right kinds of matches into your life then requires first and foremost accepting responsibility for the people you do attract. And taking responsibility for the kinds of people who show up in your life entails taking responsibility for how – you show up – in your life, inside and out. Change your vibrations, change what (and who) they attract.
Love is an energy – one we foster from within. When we access that energy of love from within, we project its vibrations outside of us; in our actions and in our being, we come from a place of love. This invariably attracts that same energy of love into our lives, for example in the form of other people to love who are also loving us.
One of the problems people have in getting the love they want is that so much of what people call ‘love’ isn’t love at all. Often it’s attachment: to the other person, to the relationship looking the way you think it should look, or even an attachment to ‘drama’. Other times it’s fear: fear of loss, fear of not being worthy of love, or one we hear a lot, fear of being happy, which really just amounts to more fear of not being worthy of love and fear of loss.
Some sages say that people ‘crush’ love like a bird in the hand when you hold onto it too hard, and while the image may be apt we prefer to say that when you cling to love you detach from it. If that sounds like a paradox, you’re catching on. Clinging to love out of attachment and fear disengages you from the love itself and grips you to your attachment and fear. As does clinging to your ideas of what love should look like when and if it ever does come.
Love is an energy. It cannot be gripped any more than you can grip light; you can only be bathed in it, or shut yourself away in the dark. But the light is there nonetheless, and right outside the door. Love flows, and to have the relationship of your fondest desires, let the love flow through you and from within you.
Rather than focusing on fixing the problems in your relationship (or your utter lack of one), engage in the flow of love and watch the problems (or lack) dissolve. Change the circumstances, situations, and conditions you find yourself in by allowing yourself to feel here and now the love you aim to feel for the new circumstances, situations, and conditions.
The perfect relationship with another person comes from nurturing a perfect relationship with yourself; in other words: loving yourself fully and unconditionally as you are, and appreciating yourself fully for all the love you have inside to give.
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The Law Of Attraction Explained
The Myths that Keep Us from Love
Are society’s relationship myths causing you to give up on love or settle for less than what you want?
Most of the people who taught us about love are people who don’t let themselves be loved. Hello? What’s wrong with this picture? A little wacky, yes? Yes!
In truth, is there any good reason to withhold love from yourself? The accurate answer is “No!” Let’s do a Reality Check on love.
Myth #1 – You have to work at having a good relationship.
Reality: A relationship that is good for you does not take work. If you have so many problems and disharmonies in a partnership that it feels like work to stay involved, then the person is not right for you. Differences of opinion, style and preference should be a source of intrigue and attraction, not a quagmire of argument and conflict.
Myth #2 – Negotiation, compromise and sacrifice are necessary for two people to have a successful partnership.
Reality: Not every day! Frequent negotiation, compromise and sacrifice are warning signs of a doomed relationship. If you find yourself having to negotiate, compromise or sacrifice more than once a week to keep your partnership going, that relationship has too many natural disharmonies to be right for you, or the other person. Fun, nurturing, lasting partnerships are based on natural mutuality—an organic harmony of traits and values that already exist before the two people meet, not after they both give up their spirit to “make things work.” If a relationship is hard, troublesome and requires a lot of struggle and effort, guess what? No amount of communication or counseling is going to make that connection easy, fun or fruitful.
Myth #3 – All the good ones are taken.
Reality: Every single person has a special, perfect someone waiting for them. The togetherness we long for is assured. We have pre-arranged with one or more personal soulmates to meet this lifetime in order to help each other open to love. All you need to do is remove the living room couch, refrigerator and kitchen sink from blocking the front door to your house (heart) so that your destined lover can get in!
Myth #4 – You can borrow good qualities from your “better half.”
Reality: You can for a while. But you need to quickly become—rather than borrow—those good qualities. Otherwise, you’re dependent on the other person for the better qualities. Enjoy intimacy as a mutual exchange of energy between interdependent equals. Address your flaws, and become the type of person you’d like to date. The Law of Attraction rules in seeking a partner. Like vibration attracts like vibration. If you possess the qualities that you want in a partner, the law of attraction will work for you.
Myth #5 – If I can just change my partner’s behavior, things will be better.
Reality: Famous last words! YOU can’t change other people. They need to evolve on their own path at their own pace. Besides, you are always dating yourself anyway! In truth, your partner is solely—souly—a liberating mirror reflection of your own consciousness. You must change your inside world for the outside world to improve. You are always meeting yourself in others. If you’re not happy with the type of person you are attracting, take a look at the type of person you are.
Myth #6 – A member of the opposite sex—or energy—will balance me out.
Reality: Being balanced is an inside job. Fuse the forces of your feminine and masculine energies to tap your full potential. Cultivate playfulness, laughter and self-revealing humor. Invite serendipity and surprise to reveal your other side. Welcome the unexpected and spontaneous from yourself!
Myth #7 – I have to take what I get; I can’t be choosy.
Reality: Invoke the basic Feng-shui Law of the Vacuum: You must be willing to walk away from what you don’t want so that you can be available (empty, receptive, open) for what you do want. The next perfect partner for you can’t come into your life if your love space is filled with someone you are tolerating, settling for, or simply using to avoid loneliness.
Myth #8 – I’m stuck with a lousy Love Script.
Reality: You can re-write your Personal Love Theme with a better ending. Choose to be innocent (free) of the effect of the past. Performing an autopsy on a failed relationship can be a very valuable tool in helping you understand which areas you need to work on to be more successful in your next relationship. Then be willing to acquire or develop the skills and qualities required to help you be more successful in your next connection.
Myth #9 – I have to give up my personal freedom to be in a committed relationship. Love = Ball & Chain.
Reality: Real love and freedom go hand in hand. In a soulmate connection based on the optimal spiritual evolution of each party, you can maintain personal freedom while opening to profound intimacy. Give your commitment and trust to the spirit, rather than the form, of the relationship. Sometimes lack of communication is the culprit, if you view a partnership as bondage. Identify the amount of space you need to be happy in a relationship and learn how to communicate your desire to your partner.
Myth #10 – Because of “Original Sin,” I don’t deserve love.
Reality: Original Sin was actually only an Original Misunderstanding. The so-called Original Sin we committed was that we thought we were separate from God. Turns out we ‘re not. The Good News is that we were wrong. There is no bad news.
Myth #11 – Relationships take time, effort and energy.
Reality: The only effort involved is keeping love away. We spend countless hours successfully dodging love at every point of contact in our lives. Every encounter with another human being is an opportunity to receive love—in the form of kindness, generosity, a warm handshake or a shared laugh. Right relationships give you energy. Lousy relationships drain your energy.
Myth #12 – If I open my heart, my partner can hurt my feelings. Love = Pain.
Reality: Other people cannot hurt our feelings; they can only trigger feelings that are already hurt within us. The hurt feelings are already present in our consciousness—in our past, our personality, our programming. In truth, your partner is doing you a big favor by bringing up a wound, a sore spot, within a loving context—for the purpose of healing and releasing it. It’s not possible to avoid hurt feelings in life or a relationship. But you can use the support of real love to move the hurt feelings up and out.
Myth #13 – Another person can “fill the hole” we feel inside.
Reality: Temporarily at best! Only you can permanently “fulfill the whole” within yourself. Helpfully, for a while, a partner can remind you of what it feels like to feel loved and whole. Then if you surf that wave of connection, you can arrive at the shore of lasting self-love.
Myth #14 – It’s best to hide your Shadow from the other person.
Reality: It’s best to reveal your weaknesses and faults as soon as possible. It’s not called “in-to-me-see” for nothing. There’s no way to get close to someone and not have your whole self eventually revealed. Learn to dance with your Dark Side. Learn to love everything about your unique self—the whole enchilada, warts and all. The American Plains Indians revealed their worst deficiencies and flaws on their warrior shields. They knew that acknowledging the truth of our shortcomings gives us strength. Full self-acceptance is our greatest asset.
Myth #15 – If I just loose weight, I’ll attract the lover of my dreams.
Reality: Weight has nothing to do with exercise, genes, diet or how much we eat. Maintaining our perfect body weight is a direct function of the free flow of love in our lives. Weight has everything to do with our beliefs about exercise, genes, diet or how much we eat. And the nurturing quality of our beliefs about exercise, genes, diet or how much we should eat are a direct result of our willingness to have love flow freely in our lives.
Myth: #16 – I’m afraid of rejection or abandonment.
Reality: Spread the heartening news: We cannot be rejected by another person unless we have rejected ourselves first. We leave love—love never leaves us. This is a good thing. It means we are in the driver’s seat. It means we can open—and keep open—the door to love anytime we choose. Find a way to move into more self-acceptance and your days of rejection and abandonment are history.
Myth #17 – Relationships are made on Earth.
Reality: Relationship are made in Heaven. Embrace love for what it truly is: a mystical sacrament and a sensual communion. Align your description of your Earthly Dream Partner with the design of your soulmate agreement, and you will find your Heavenly babe TODAY!
Myth #18 – I need to marry—or get a formal commitment—from my partner to keep them around.
Reality: “Things which go together naturally need not be tied.” -Lao Tzu, Chinese sage
Drawing from the wisdom of native and ancient spiritual traditions, Keith Varnum shares his 30 years of practical success as an author, personal coach, acupuncturist, filmmaker, radio host, restaurateur, vision quest guide and international seminar leader with ?The Dream Workshops?. Keith helps people get the love, money, and health they want with his F-r-e-e Prosperity Ezine, F-r-e-e Abundance Tape and F-r-e-e Coaching at www.TheDream.com
Sometimes we hate what we used to love. We think that which we love is unworthy of our love because it has let us down greatly in some way or another. We feel like withdrawing all our love and give it to somewhere else that is more worthy to receive. It might be true that we’re in love with the wrong person, but it could also be true that we ourselves are not yet right to love that person. The negative situation we experience is meant to help us discover ourselves and what loving unconditionally really means.
Hate is an emotion that is meant to be used as an aggressive defense against any form of evil. It is a destructive force against anything that is destructive towards you. When you feel hate or anger, it just means that someone is doing something that hurts you. It is a form of self love that seeks to protect you and severe anything that isn’t beneficial for you. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel because your emotions serve as a feedback and motivating force to move towards that which is good in life.
It is when you understand what your emotions are telling you, and the reason why you feel that way, that enables you to truly resolve everything in your inner world. The reason why you feel hate and anger is because the person is doing something that hurts you. Your love for yourself repels against such an act. You feel unacknowledged, unappreciated or somehow mistreated in one way or another by the other person. Therefore you seek to redress the wrong or undeserved suffering caused by that person.
You may think that the person is no longer right for you to love or relate with, and you are right coming from the level of consciousness where you are at. But when you discover something beyond that, you may turn your entire perspective around and feel totally different. You see, the reason why you feel unacknowledged is because you need acknowledgement from that person. The reason why you feel unappreciated is because you need appreciation from that person. You need something that is lacking.
You feel mistreated because you require that person to treat you in a certain way. It is when that person isn’t being or doing what you expect, that you feel disappointed in loving him or her. You wonder why should you continue being so good and nice to that person when you are being treated so unfairly in return. What you may not realize is how conditional your love for that person really is. You have so many conditions and requirements on what that person should be or do in order for you to love him or her.
Sometimes, the only way to resolve a friendship or relationship problem is to bring it to an end. When we are in a friendship or relationship, we tend to have an expectation of mutual appreciation, acknowledgment and love expressions. That is the way a normal friendship is supposed to be right? Yes, that’s how it is supposed to be. But a true friendship does not have any suppositions or expectations of what the friendship should be like. True friendship can exist even when the parties are not normal friends.
What happens when the relationship or friendship with the person has ended in the normal sense? There is no longer an expectation or need for that person to give you acknowledgment, appreciation or anything for that matter. The same goes for you as well. You no longer need to give that person anything at all. But now you are in a space where if you feel love, appreciation and kindness for that person, you can still give it if you wish. You can now give out of a heart that is totally free and unconditional.
That is the irony of a true friendship that exists without a friendship in the normal sense of the word. You can’t feel unappreciated when you do not need appreciation. You can’t feel unacknowledged when you do not need acknowledgement. You can’t be mistreated when you do not need the person to treat you in a certain way. Most of all, you can’t be hurt when there’s nothing the person can do to make you feel hurt. Because now that person can’t take anything from you or give you what you already have.
When you feel true love for another, the love you have is not your own, but it is God expressing through you. You may feel anger, hurt and resentment because of your expectation of how that person should treat you. But when all those expectations and requirements are gone, what is left is the pure unconditional love that is always present beneath it all. Everything else is just meant for you to discover where you are being conditional and limited in your heart. But when you let go, you can love totally.
You don’t need to end the friendship or relationship in the literal sense, but you just need to imagine what’s it like being a true friend or being loving when the friendship or relationship isn’t required. True love is free without needing anything in return. To truly love is to love unconditionally, without judgment of that which you love. There is no fear in perfect love. Whoever that fears is not yet made perfect in love. When you love perfectly, you do not judge yourself or the other because you accept both completely.
Love yourself for all that you are because you are worth it. From the place of complete self love and self acceptance, you are able to love another with an unconditional heart. Because you do not need anything back. Therefore you can’t be hurt at all. You can love without fear. Remember the saying, “Work like you don’t need the money, dance like no one’s watching and love like you’ve never been hurt before”. Love like you’ve never been hurt before. It is the pure, fearless and unconditional giving of yourself.
Enoch Tan aims to help people achieve greater awareness in living and experiencing life, to evolve human consciousness to higher levels and to revolutionize the way we understand the mind and reality, because that’s what governs every area of life and destiny. When you learn Secret Knowledge of The Universe and Answers to Life Greatest Mysteries, you can have Wealth, Power, Freedom and Anything you want! Visit the site: Secrets of Mind and Reality
When you say you love some truly what do you mean. Do you see the person and all you feel is some sort of excitement that goes on in your body. Is love according you a feeling that one feels when they see another person? You could be right for after all, you cannot say you love someone and you feel nothing for them. There has to be some sort of attraction between the two of you. However, a real true love is more than a feeling. Real true love is about sacrificing your self for a person. When you realize that you can sacrifice anything for your mate then you can say that you have real true love. If you cannot afford to sacrifice your time and everything that you can, then you do not love.
Real true love is patient. It will wait for the mate to be ready to take the relationship to another level. Never will true love force one to have sex with them to prove a point. No one has to sleep with anyone before the other person knows that they love them. True love is never about sex anyway. It is about companionship, love, care and understanding. A deeper understanding of each other that only people who love each other and share things about each other really understands. So if you are not patient don’t say you love someone. You don’t. However do not worry, there is an amount of impatience that is acceptable.
Real true love is about being there for each other. If one of you is feeling down on himself or herself, the other person will be there to try to make them feel better about a situation. When the person is broke, do you avoid the person like he was some kind of a leaper? If you do so then you cannot say you have real true love. Real true love is about keeping it real and understanding that things can go wrong at one time, so wrong that both of you wouldn’t not know what to do but true love should be able to put a smile on your faces every time you think about the love for each other.
Real true love makes the world go round. It might never be able to provide food, shelter and drinks but it will provide you with peace. Peace that you might not be able to experience if you were not truly in love. If anyone should fail, true love is not going to judge him or her but rather try to get him or her to rise above their failures and try harder. That is just what true love can do to you. So incase you are wondering whether you and your mate have true love, look at how you behave and whether the two of you are patient, kind, loving, understanding, respectful of each other, caring and above all you spend time together and do not judge each other.
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Most people view relationships as being outside of self. The problem with this is all relationships begin with us not with others. We must develop an effective relationship with self before we can extend out to connecting with others. We had a good relationship with self when we were born. In 24,999 out of 25,000 births the relationship with self was compromised at birth or by the time we were four years old. The major conflict started with mother. (We are not blaming mother, she did the best she could working under the basic dysfunctional relationship with herself she inherited from her mother. She just happens to be the person you identified with as your primary care giver in the first five years of your life.)
Functional relationships do not happen very often. More than likely your mother did not have an effective relationship with self or her husband. Unfortunately your relationship with self began to break down shortly after birth. She probably was not able to bond with you at birth either. 95% of the time you had a traumatic birth experience because the doctors either do not want to recognize birth without violence or they are ignorant there is a better more loving way to bring a baby into this world.
So where are we in finding the right path in this jungle of dysfunctional behavior patterns? Mother did not know what love was so how could she demonstrate this to you? Along with all the other rejection feelings you may have had plus feeling mother was withholding love from you, your relationship with self began to break down. It deteriorated into self rejection feeling not accepted rather than self acceptance. The more you tried to get love and recognition from mother, the more you felt rejected because she became irritated then became angry because she could not control your behavior. As a result you became angry at her for rejecting your need for love and recognition. When you realized that to push for love was getting you nowhere accept more rejection you gave up and backed down in most cases. You finally gave up by the time you were four years old. So, by four years of age you decided that mother was right and you did not know what love was. At this point any concentrated form of attention was interpreted as love because you wanted recognition and acceptance.
As a result you grew up thinking love was acceptance in any form. Hearing all the different definitions of love in the movies, on TV and music you began to accept love was external so you used your body to get love and acceptance and recognition. Did you ever wonder why so many young girls get in trouble with sex? Many times they accepted sexual relationships as being love. Girls became misdirected thinking they had to have attractive bodies to be acceptable and get recognition. As a result we find many have bulimia and anorexia eating disorders. Others who can not reduce their weight go into self rejection and depression. Many men will not even try to approach relationships for fear of rejection. They live a solitary life or become workaholics. It is a sad story when you realize most people are functioning under false beliefs. I seen reports of young girls are asking for plastic surgery to increase the size of their breasts at fourteen years old.
Relationships with self must be to the point where you can accept the seven qualities of love and make them work for yourself. This means that you have to allow yourself to validate yourself. Most people are looking for and trying to get outside validation to make themselves feel all right about them selves. If others see me as all right then I must be all right. One the outward signs if this taking over and commandeering conversations or over talking others by raising your voice to stop them from speaking. Our mind will do this if we do not feel all right about ourselves. Then it will make the assumption if people allow me to do this then I am acknowledged and being accepted. One of the major challenges we have in communication is incongruent messages. If we are working from a place of not feeling good about ourselves we will send this message out what I call meta-communication. It is a communication our mind sends out that is nonverbal. Most people may not know they are picking up the message yet they will act on it without knowing what is causing them to take or make a decision to do something. We must clear the incongruent messages our mind is sending out if we expect to get acceptance and validation. It may take some work to delete all the files.
If your parents had an effective relationship with themselves and each other then there is a possibility they have could helped you build an effective relationship with yourself. If you were the exception who had parents that either came from a functional family or they recognized the mistakes their parents made then you may have the opportunity to grow up in a functional family. If your parents recognized the conflicts which caused them to be imprinted with negative behavior or you choose to stop the vicious circle then you may understand the process of reparenting. If your parents were able to recognize this viscous circle of handing off their parents dysfunctional relationship to their children you were fortunate to have parents with vision and awareness. As you can see from many examples it does not guarantee you will have successful relationships unless you have cleared all the skeletons in your closet.
At this point what you start to recognize is that most people play roles in their life to meet their needs. One of the major roles people play is Father/Daughter and Mother/Son. As you recover your lost self and grow up again you can see how you may have fell into that role. Partnerships in these roles fall apart as one partner begins to see they do not want to play that role any longer. If both Partners can grow up that is great but it usually does not happen. On the other hand many times partners break up with out ever finding out why the partnership did not work. They go out looking for a new partner, yet they find the same person with different cloths and a different name but with the same behavior patterns. Since they did not explore the reasons why the first one did not work they will end up in and ill fated partnership again which will fall apart due to not evaluating the situation which caused the breakup in the beginning. Everybody has different experiences, yet they are all similar in nature. Our mind is a very complex computer. It will make decisions for us until we take control back. Most of the time, the decisions are not what we would do if we had control. This is why I say most people have similar experiences as everybody has the same mind set that makes all the same decisions until we get in control of our mind set and behavior patterns.
To get to these programs we have to go through our minds files like peeling an onion. Each layer will reveal another layer below it. When we peel most of them off then we begin to take control of our life. As we move into more control we can empower ourselves to work from a point of power rather than fear. Once we have understood and been able to apply the concepts of the qualities of love to ourselves then we have to begin by applying them in our relationships with other people. It is almost amazing how people will respond to us when we have a congruent message coming from our own mind. As we remove all the behavior patterns that caused us to act out in the need for control we find that we do not need control any longer since nobody is threatening us any longer. It was all a perceived threat not a real threat. We find we can cooperate with others with no need to be in control. As we move into this new space of comfort we find that we begin to release stress. There really is not any stress there are only stressful people. When you do not react to the stress it does not affect you. As you move from the place o
f neediness yo
u begin to demand that people treat you in a different way. It is not like becoming pushy an outwardly demanding respect you just begin to avoid people who are not operating in your reality. It is almost like you view the situation and if it does not meet your needs you drop it and say next. There is no need to make an issue out of it. If the shoe does not fit discard it. You are now becoming more comfortable in your life because nothing is driving you for acceptance and validation. It fits better with no awkwardness. You do not have to play roles to get acceptance. You have a lot more energy because you are not fighting with yourself to play a role to fit in.
In reparenting ourselves we discover all the imprinted programs which we received from our parents which set up the roles we play. So we get to the point of asking ourselves. “Whose life are we living? A replay of our parents or the life we choose to live.” Usually we find it sure is not the life we thought we were living. The Native American “said you can not understand my life unless you have walked in my moccasins for a month”
Now that we have grown up we can take our power back, take responsibility and start on the path to a new life. The choice is yours are you ready for peace, happiness, harmony, joy, unconditional love and abundance in your life? There area lot of bridges to cross and many boulders to push out of the path, yet I know you can do if you apply yourself to the task. It can be a smooth transition or a very long complicated ordeal if you chose to make it this way. It all depends on your willingness to let go of the past. All it takes is the ability to forgive and accept your caregivers who wrote programs into your data base. Many times they did it without knowing what they were doing. Now that you have released them you are living your life.
Dr. Art Martin has been working with people to help them reparent themselves and grow up again for 25 years. His new Book from his parenting series, “ReParenting Yourself”, was published March 2009. Learn more about parenting at his website.
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