It is very common for a couple to go through ups and downs in their relationship. The most common reason for break downs is raising kids. After that it is usually a demanding career or simply one person in the relationship is going through changes. Mending a relationship back from the “downs” requires effort from both parties and this can only come of both parties want the relationship back in strong working order.
The connection in a relationship often falls by the way side and it simply needs a little help to be seen and felt again. Mending a relationship back from the trenches is a common road traveled. Start the journey today using these seven effective success tips.
1. Both parties must be dedicated to fixing the relationship and finding the connection again. Staying for the kids or out of convenience is not enough. You must be committed to making changes.
2. Find the core the problems, not just the problems themselves. Each of you needs to have a clear perspective on the problems in the relationship. There are reasons the symptoms of a troubled couple are there. Use the symptoms to diagnose the real problem. This is valuable in a relationship whether it is in trouble or not. Example: An affair is not the REAL problem. There is a reason the person had the affair. It is this reason that is the core of the problem. Mending a relationship requires you both deal with the core issues at hand.
3. Communicate your feeling, needs, and disappointments. Both of you must voice your feelings and both of you must listen to the other. Hold hands, look into each other’s eyes and be honest, and understanding. If your partner says something that hurts you remember that this is the only way to sort out the issues in the relationship.
4. Put a plan of action into place. Together come up with an action plan that will dissolve the issues and you can both start mending the relationship back to when it glowed and you were happy.
5. Make solid footprints in the plan. Take action right away in the areas that you need to improve in. Help each other out along the way. Help remind each other and support each other in the areas that might be more difficult.
6. Don’t expect perfection too soon. Give things time and give your partner time to adjust to things they may find difficult or have issues with. Be patient, understanding and supportive. Have a little laugh about the things you also find difficult so your partner doesn’t feel alone in the process.
7. Spend time together. Life is busy there is no doubt. Don’t take each other or the relationship for granted. Instead, make an effort to find time together and use it wisely. This area should be on your action plan. You can plan a weekly outing. Meet up for lunch during the week. If you have kids you can do chores together in the evening when the kids are in bed and chat while getting them done. You will finish faster allowing each of you more free time, either together or independently.
In order for a couple to get a relationship back on track they have to work together, communicate and put into gear an action plan. It is Vital for you both to be understanding, supportive, fair, and above all else committed to the process of mending the relationship.
In order for a couple to get a relationship back on track they have to work together, communicate and put into gear an action plan. It is Vital for you both to be understanding, supportive, fair, and above all else committed to the process of mending the broken relationship.
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Are you in a relationship that is stagnant – a relationship that is not going anywhere? Maybe the relationship is in a rut and you are feeling the pangs of disappointment.
Life is full of ups and downs and two people should grow together, through these experiences. Some don’t! Some grow further apart. If you find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere, it’s time to evaluate. If you don’t make changes, nothing changes. Soon you will be thinking about leaving, instead of mending what is broken. Before thinking of leaving, evaluate the relationship and find ways to get out of the rut.
Many relationships are repairable, but too often people are hasty and want to escape instead of figuring out what the problems are and focusing on solutions.
A relationship is shared by two people who are individuals. A healthy and nurturing relationship is about growing together within that relationship. It isn’t about just breathing the same air, but a true partnership. The two people in a relationship also need to grow as individuals.
Start by asking yourself…what do you want from your relationship? What are the core issues that caused the relationship to be in a rut and stagnant? Are the issues your issues, your partner’s issues or issues related to the dynamics between you and your partner?
You have to identify the problem in order to find the solution. It’s possible your partner may not be willing to work on solutions. That is a problem in itself. Your partner may not even feel there is a problem and is comfortable with things the way they are. The problems may lie within you and not the relationship itself.
Often people feel disappointed when their partner isn’t sharing the same interests with them anymore. They once used to go out and do things all the time. In my opinion, the feelings and issues go deeper. I don’t believe it’s about activities, but resentment, repressed emotions, feeling taken for granted and a breakdown in communication. The issues start slowly. Your partner may be tired one day and not up to going out with you. You take it personally. You may find a way to get back at them, totally misinterpreting why they didn’t go out with you. One simple thing can lead to a snowball effect until you and your partner are in a vicious cycle of resentment and discord.
You ignore the little issues because they don’t seem important enough to address because they are infrequent. After a while, they accumulate until you see a much bigger picture. The gap between you grows wider and wider – until you are in a stagnant and disappointing relationship rut. The communication becomes almost nonexistent.
How do you get out of a relationship rut?
When you feel unhappy in any circumstance, the first place to look is inward and then outward. Dig deep to find out if your unhappiness lies within yourself or if it truly is about the dynamics in your relationship. It’s possible your expectations of your partner may be too high. Look at your behavior in the relationship. Are you constantly complaining or nagging? Do you fail to communicate effectively? Does any part of your behavior push your partner away? Or…does your behavior suggest that which should draw a partner closer, but it isn’t working?
If you are happy in general and feel you are growing as an individual and your expectations of your partner are reasonable, then it’s time to look directly at the relationship.
Keep in mind…a relationship doesn’t grow on it’s own. If you feel your relationship is stagnant and in a rut, it’s up to you to speak out and let your partner know how you feel. Don’t attack. Speak calmly about what issues are bothering you. There may be simple issues that just bug you or issues much more severe. Whatever the issues are, they are making you feel you’re in a rut and need to be dealt with.
Be sure to let your partner know how much they mean to you. Be direct about what’s bothering you. If you feel taken for granted, say so and give details about what has made you feel that way. Again, without attacking. Remember…you’re trying to mend the relationship, not make it worse. Your partner may not even realize what they have done. Your partner may have issues of their own that don’t even have to do with your or your relationship. Offer to listen to what they have been experiencing and feeling.
If you feel you aren’t being given enough attention, let your partner know what you need. If your partner has offended or belittled you, let that be known and explain how their words make you feel. Once you explain, they should be willing to clean up their act and work toward the betterment of the relationship. If not, you may have your answer to where this relationship is going.
If you want to do more things together, come up with ideas and present them to your partner. Also, ask what they would like to do. Delve into your common interests and see how you can work them out to suit both of you. There are many activities and hobbies a couple can share and help their relationship thrive.
In order for a relationship to thrive you have to nurture it. The relationship, nor your partner can be taken for granted. Each has to behave in a way that draws you closer to the other. It isn’t about who is right, but about what it takes between the two of you to make the relationship right.
Recap:
* define what the issues are
* look inward to understand your own issues
* be honest and open with your partner about what is bothering you
* don’t attack the one you love. Be mindful with your words.
* be willing to do your part and mend what is broken
* behave in a way that draws your partner closer
* respect your partner’s feelings as well as your own
* don’t take each other for granted
* be careful not to allow the relationship to continuously get in a rut
One of the best ways of getting back what you need is setting an example for your partner, by your own behavior, toward them. Treat them with the kindness, respect, love, support, understanding and encouragement that you wish to be treated.
Katlyn is a free-lance writer specializing in relationship topics. She also enjoys writing self-improvement, home improvement, finance, parenting articles and more. Katlyn is creator of Dating Scoop and a content producer on Bukisa
Think back on your day yesterday. How many people did you interact with?
• Via phone
• Via email
• Via instant message
• In a meeting
• Face to face (imagine that!)
Seriously, make a quick list.
I`m guessing it`s a longer list than you might have anticipated.
Some of these interactions were one-off conversations and not ongoing relationships, I`m sure. You also may not have interacted yesterday with some of the more prominent or important people with whom you have a working relationship either (feel free to add those people to your list now).
This simple exercise should reinforce what you likely know, but may not often think about; our work is made up of relationships. And since there are very few things we can succeed at without the help of others, in some ways our success is directly correlated to the strength of our relationships.
Because we are human, not all of these relationships are going to be perfect. Things are going to happen, words will be said and circumstances will be misunderstood. And because of this, if you want to have more success, less stress and more enjoyment in your work (and who doesn`t want those things?), we all need to become more skilled at mending relationships when they are broken, slightly wounded or even just fragile.
Here are seven steps or actions you can take to mend, improve and even nurture working elationships (or any relationship for that matter).
The Seven Steps
Decide. The first step is you must decide that you want to improve the relationship. The precursor to this step is recognition – recognizing that the relationship needs improving – but the heart of this is the decision that this relationship matters enough for you to make the effort required to improve it. Without this decision, nothing else matters.
Forgive or let it go. If you feel the other person has done something to cause the rift or break-down, you must either forgive them or let go of your issues with it. Without this step, the steps that follow may help some, but will be limited in their success.
Take ownership. Recognize your role in the relationship, and take ownership and responsibility for it. Yes, deciding and forgiving are accountability actions; but being clear that regardless of the situation you have played a role in the change to the relationship is critical to your success in repairing any damage. Otherwise you are only blaming the other person – which cripples your chance for improvement.
Make your intention clear. Once you have decided to take actions to improve the relationship, your behaviors will change. Take the time to explain your decision and your intention to improve the relationship. Let the other person know that both the situation and the person matter to you, and you want a better relationship. This cements your commitment and communicates your intention to the other person.
Assume positive intent. While I have long believed this concept in a variety of situations, a colleague recently expressed it this way and it makes the idea completely clear. Assume the other person was – and is – acting in good faith. Will you be wrong sometimes? Perhaps. But by starting from this assumption you will immediately change your perception and therefore your behaviors toward that person.
Listen more. We all know how important listening is and how good it makes us feel when we are truly being listened to. Grant that gift to the other person. Listen intently, carefully and actively. Not only will you understand them (and their perspective) better, but they will trust you more and the relationship will build from their perspective.
Make an effort. Deciding is one thing. Doing is quite another. If you want better relationships, you must make the effort – it will seldom, if ever, happen automatically.
In many ways the first and last steps are the priorities, and the other steps are some of the key efforts you must take. Some of these steps may be difficult mentally, and some you may not feel are your responsibility in your situation.
Recognize too that you don`t have to do any of them. Be aware, however, that perhaps the step you aren`t mentally or emotionally ready to take may be the one that is blocking you from repairing or growing the relationship.
Yes, every relationship is two-sided; yet, each of these steps is completely in your control. Your efforts can`t guarantee the healthy relationship you desire, but not taking these steps dooms the relationship to remain at its current level at best.
I wish you great success with your choices and the relationships that result.
Potential Pointer: Your working life is filled primarily with the people you interact with – Customers, peers, employees or bosses. By this measure, your ability to create great working relationships is one measure of your ultimate success. It is therefore critical that you learn to build solid working relationships, and actively repair them when/if they become damaged in some way.
Kevin Eikenberry is a leadership expert and the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group, a learning consulting company that helps Clients reach their potential through a variety of training, consulting and speaking services. You can learn more about him and a special offer on his newest book, Remarkable Leadership: Unleashing Your Leadership Potential One Skill at http://RemarkableLeadershipBook.com/bonuses.asp .
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