Aug 31 '10 Is it Love or Lust?

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There are zillions of lovers who swear that they had fallen for each other at the first sight. Whereas there are others who are not as lucky and so have dismissed love-at-first-sight as an unrealistic proposition. They contend it is a concept cooked up by romantics who need a plausible theory to air-brush that deadly sin stirring inside them. They insist that the tingle, that spark, that connection that you feel with a person upon seeing him or her the first time is most probably LUST. It is not, nor can it be, love. Love is built on compatibility, understanding, trust, security, respect… None of these aspects can be gauged at the first meeting, and therefore, by logical reasoning, your feelings, however powerful, can not be love at all.

Infatuation is the name

In the same vein, love at first sight is an excuse often trotted by people who either don’t know, or don’t want to admit that the pull of a sexual attraction can be that intense. This may well sum up the beliefs of most modern lovers. “I used to believe that love at first sight isn’t such a sham as it is made out to be. His name was Jack and the first time I saw him, I was completely charmed. His good looks had an almost instantaneous magical effect on me. He was my neighbour’s cousin and I used to eagerly await birthdays and anniversary functions in the neighbourhood in the hope of seeing him. In fact, on such occasions, I made sure I wore a short skirt or something sexy. I would make special efforts to speak in my accented english in front of him until one day I met another guy whom I knew for six months and got involved with him. Jack was out of my mind and my life. It’s then I realised that love had a lot more to it than just physical attraction.

For many, love at first sight is just another way of saying infatuation. “I don’t think there is any such thing as love at first sight. It’s infatuation colour-coated as love. It’s purely physical in nature. Love should not be dishonoured by comparing it with something as amorous desire,” adds MNC executive Jess Jones.

There are others who also believe that it’s an immature emotion felt by young teenagers. A guy may have the best looks in the world but may turn out to be the biggest cheater too. Eventually one realises the value of compatibility, steadiness, understanding and commitment in sustaining a relationship. You can’t predict that a guy will share these with you at the first sight.

’tis true love

For every person who doesn’t believe in this, there are others who will defend love at first sight with a dogged determination. They argue that physical attraction is the first step to any relationship. It could be the person’s face, gait, hair or even butt that first attracts you to him/her. This is something called intution. “When I saw my girlfriend for the first time in school, I became completely lost in her eyes. She was new in the school and had an innocent look about her. I could feel my heart flutter with joy every time I saw her. There was an instant emotional connection. Although I couln’t gather the strength to confess my feelings to her till much later, my love withstood the vagaries of time. As a friend and a classmate, I was well aware of her ongoing affairs but somewhere I still had the embers of hope burning bright. It was three years of passing out school, that I confessed my feelings to her, that too with the help of her best friend. She was hesitant initially but today we are a happy couple. It was truly love at first sight for me”, says graphic designer Arun Vohra.

There can be love at first sight but the chances of success are as high or poor as the people involved in it. My brother met my sister-in-law and within three months they were married. I too married my husband in a similar fashion,” adds model Jessica Simons.

You may call it the stroke of luck or destiny, the truth is there are many relationships that grew out of the so-called Cupid that struck at first sight as many as there are others that haven’t worked out.

What’s the difference between lust and true love?

- Lust actually occurs when you first meet someone and feel a special connection. It is based on sexual chemistry and is accompanied by a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and, for an unfortunate few drooling. It is more like an infatuation than enduring love. It could stem from both physical and a mental attraction.

- The main difference between lust and love is that lust often happens when there is little chance of forming a relationship. Lust is safe way to explore your feelings for someone who you may think is unattainable. This can closely resemble love, and if your feelings don’t fizzle after you’ve snagged the object of them, then they can lead to love.

Jul 19 '10 Separating Love From Lust

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Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as, “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties,” and defines lust as, “an intense longing”. These two conflicting definitions help to separate love from lust.

By definition alone the two differ in that, love is based on an affinity while lust is based solely on desire. The two also differ in how they affect a relationship but sometimes it becomes difficult to separate the two because lust can exist in the presence of love. Analyzing a loving relationship and a lustful relationship separately will help us to learn to distinguish love from lust.

Love has a positive affect on a relationship because when love exists in a relationship both partners hold the happiness of the other in a high esteem and place the happiness of their partner ahead of their own desires.

Love affects relationships in a myriad of ways including how the couple interacts, the leisure activities they participate in and the longevity of the relationship. In a loving relationship the couple behaves thoughtfully towards each other and is mindful of their partner’s feelings. In this type of relationship, each partner places themselves ahead of their partner and they strive to treat each other lovingly and with respect. Also, in a loving relationship the leisure activities that the couple participates in are based on a mutual love and respect.

Activities are chosen with careful consideration to the partner’s feelings. In a loving relationship the partners typically engage in activities that they either either strongly agree on or those that are a compromise. While a couple in a loving relationship may not always be in complete agreement regarding leisure activities, they strive to compromise to ensure that both partners have the opportunity to engage in their preferred activities. Finally a relationship that is based on love is usually long lasting.

The presence of love in the relationship enables a couple to work through any problems or difficulties that arise in the relationship and helps the relationship to endure. The thoughtfulness and caring that exists in a loving relationship helps the relationship to grown and endure.

Conversely a lustful relationship may not necessary have a negative affect on a relationship but it also may not be as positive as a loving relationship. Similarly to love, lust also affects a relationship in regard to how the couple interacts, the activities the couple participate in and the durability of the relationship.

The primary difference between a lustful and a loving relationship is that while in a loving relationship the partners place a high value on the happiness of their partner, a lustful relationship is one in which the partners are consumed by their own desires. The partners in a lustful relationship place their needs and wants ahead of their partner’s desires. This alone is enough to make their partner feel disrespected and to not place a high value on the relationship.

The fundamental selfishness that exists in a lustful relationship trickles down and affects the activities in which the couple participates. While those in a loving relationship strive to compromise and find activities that they both enjoy, those in a lustful relationship are more prone to insist on participating in activities that they enjoy regardless of whether or not their partner will also enjoy this activity.

One final characteristic of a lustful relationship is that it is typically short lived. A lustful relationship is driven by passion and desire and once a goal is reached the partner becomes no longer desirable. With nothing else to drive the relationship it soon begins to wane and the couple often separates.

Lustful relationships are characterized by a selfishness and lack of respect that typically results in a short and tumultuous relationship.

Complicating the issue of separating love and lust is that it is often possible for lust to exist within a loving relationship. The existence of lust within a loving relationship is often driven by a desire to become closer to the partner. This is a natural occurrence as a physical relationship is extremely important in a romantic relationship.

When lust exists within a loving relationship it is not necessarily detrimental to the relationship. As long as the lust does not take over the love and become the dominant characteristic it can be a healthy part of the relationship. The opposite is not true, however.

A lustful relationship can not also include love. The primary characteristic of selfishness does not enable love to factor into a lustful relationship. Placing your own desires ahead of your partner’s precludes the formation of a loving bond.

While it’s not possible to have a lustful relationship with the existence of love a little bit of lust mixed into a loving relationship can lead to a closer connection and stronger bond for the couple.

Separating love from lust can be complicated but the key factors to remember is that a loving relationship is one based on selflessness and thoughtfulness while a lustful relationship is characterized by selfishness and thoughtlessness. These fundamental differences often affect whether or not a relationship will be long lasting and will endure the test of time.

The separation of love from lust is further complicated by the fact that lust can exist in a loving relationship. The opposite, however, is not possible. Understand that lust can factor into a loving relationship and have a positive affect on the relationship is key to understanding the differences between love and lust.