It is very common for a couple to go through ups and downs in their relationship. The most common reason for break downs is raising kids. After that it is usually a demanding career or simply one person in the relationship is going through changes. Mending a relationship back from the “downs” requires effort from both parties and this can only come of both parties want the relationship back in strong working order.
The connection in a relationship often falls by the way side and it simply needs a little help to be seen and felt again. Mending a relationship back from the trenches is a common road traveled. Start the journey today using these seven effective success tips.
1. Both parties must be dedicated to fixing the relationship and finding the connection again. Staying for the kids or out of convenience is not enough. You must be committed to making changes.
2. Find the core the problems, not just the problems themselves. Each of you needs to have a clear perspective on the problems in the relationship. There are reasons the symptoms of a troubled couple are there. Use the symptoms to diagnose the real problem. This is valuable in a relationship whether it is in trouble or not. Example: An affair is not the REAL problem. There is a reason the person had the affair. It is this reason that is the core of the problem. Mending a relationship requires you both deal with the core issues at hand.
3. Communicate your feeling, needs, and disappointments. Both of you must voice your feelings and both of you must listen to the other. Hold hands, look into each other’s eyes and be honest, and understanding. If your partner says something that hurts you remember that this is the only way to sort out the issues in the relationship.
4. Put a plan of action into place. Together come up with an action plan that will dissolve the issues and you can both start mending the relationship back to when it glowed and you were happy.
5. Make solid footprints in the plan. Take action right away in the areas that you need to improve in. Help each other out along the way. Help remind each other and support each other in the areas that might be more difficult.
6. Don’t expect perfection too soon. Give things time and give your partner time to adjust to things they may find difficult or have issues with. Be patient, understanding and supportive. Have a little laugh about the things you also find difficult so your partner doesn’t feel alone in the process.
7. Spend time together. Life is busy there is no doubt. Don’t take each other or the relationship for granted. Instead, make an effort to find time together and use it wisely. This area should be on your action plan. You can plan a weekly outing. Meet up for lunch during the week. If you have kids you can do chores together in the evening when the kids are in bed and chat while getting them done. You will finish faster allowing each of you more free time, either together or independently.
In order for a couple to get a relationship back on track they have to work together, communicate and put into gear an action plan. It is Vital for you both to be understanding, supportive, fair, and above all else committed to the process of mending the relationship.
In order for a couple to get a relationship back on track they have to work together, communicate and put into gear an action plan. It is Vital for you both to be understanding, supportive, fair, and above all else committed to the process of mending the broken relationship.
Triniti is a relationship adviser who helps couples fix the broken in their relationship and move on to become first-rate partners for each other.
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Human beings have an inherent need to develop meaningful relationships. We all want to share our goals, ideas, joys, sorrows, desires, affection and experiences with someone else. However, we all fall short at times in handling the mechanics of them. There are times when we need to “doctor” up or even perform “surgery” on some of our relationships.
Do you experience any of the following symptoms in any of your relationships?
• Frequent arguments
• Low energy conversations
• Apathy regarding the relationship
• Lack of interaction/no desire for proximity
• Continuously looking for “something better”
We go to the doctor for regular checkups, but how often do we check the health of our relationships? Just like your physical health, positive relationships-whether they are romantic, social or professional-require maintenance. Good relationships don’t just “happen.” Just as our physical bodies get sick from time to time, most relationships go through periods of “illness” as well. Fortunately, with proper treatment, these relationships can “recover” and thrive.
Being constantly on guard for symptoms of illness within your relationships will help keep them healthy and prosperous. People who have healthy relationships are happier and less stressed.
If you answered “yes” to any of the above symptoms, you might be in an unhealthy relationship. If so, here are some possible “remedies”:
Regular check-ups – to determine the overall health of your relationship, it is important to regularly communicate with your partner, friend, relative or associate to determine how they are feeling about the relationship. Set a regular period, depending on the relationship – monthly, quarterly, etc. to get together for the sole purpose of assessing the relationship.
Relationship checklist/chart – discuss what is working and what is not working in your relationship. Work on the issues and revisit them to see if the “stats” have improved at the next check-in.
“Weigh in” on your relationship – each of you should share your feelings with the other person. Be open and honest about what you are experiencing and listen carefully to his or her concerns.
Take the “temperature” of your relationships. Is it running hot or cold? Do you still enjoy each others’ company and/or benefit from the association. Is it moving in a positive direction?
Measure the “pulse”? Is it strong or weak? Is the bond between you growing stronger or weaker from one check-in to the next?
Use the correct prescription – know the right dosage of love and caring to share with that person, remembering that the prescription will be unique for each individual.
Know yourself – just as you pay attention to your body’s signals when it is experiencing injury or illness, know your personal reactions to the situations you encounter in your relationships and how those situations affect you. Know your “numbers” and how to read your results.
Read the warning signs/symptoms – as indicated above, watch for “key indications” that might indicate that there is a malignancy in your relationship.
Here are some of the “vital signs” of a healthy relationship:
• Built on respect, trust and caring
• Allows each person to be an individual and to grow personally
• Allows for differences of opinion and interests
• Apologizes, talks things out and moves on
• Knows how to respect each others’ “space”
• Enjoys each other’s company
• Benefits from each other’s opinions
• Supports each other’s goals
• Contains open communication and sharing of thoughts and ideas as well as active listening
• Establishes boundaries that the other knows not to cross
• Has common interests, but also values differences
• Picks their battles by determining what is really important and what issues are not worth arguing about and works on one issue at a time.
• Comfortable saying “no” when necessary
• Expresses appreciation for each other to reaffirm respect and affection
In a healthy relationship, you should not be afraid to speak your mind. No type of relationship should cause you to compromise or doubt who you are. People who have your best interests at heart will never ask you to be someone you are not or to compromise what you believe in. Before being open with anyone else, you must first be honest with yourself about who you are, what you are seeking from another person and what you are willing to give.
Remember, healthy relationships are not built overnight. It takes time, energy and commitment to develop any type of relationship, whether with business associates, family, friends or a romantic partner. So, be happy; be healthy; be whole. Here is to a healthier you!
Talayah G. Stovall is an author and motivational speaker. Her book, Crossing the Threshold: Opening Your Door to Successful Relationships, and eBook, 150 Important Questions You Should Ask Before You Say “I Do” are available on her website, along with free articles: http://www.talayahstovall.com.
When we are clear and focused within ourselves, boundaries automatically emerge and begin to move into place. In other words, boundaries are to some extent established subconsciously, as a result of mature self-love. Another dimension of boundaries requires our consciously focused attention and effort. We will look at these two levels in terms of our commitment to ourselves and to our relationships.
Picture three concentric circles. The inner circle represents commitment to self, the next ring represents the role we play in the relationship and the outer ring represents our commitment to the relationship itself. You will notice there is no mention of commitment to the other person—that’s their job.
1. COMMITMENT TO SELF
Our first priority in a relationship with another is our commitment to ourselves. This is not selfish, it’s merely practical.
Your best friend has just been in a car wreck and needs your help. You want to get there as fast as you can, but it’s a few miles away and your car’s gas tank is on empty. Do you ignore this and zoom off to the rescue? Of course not. You get some gas before making the trip. By the same token, we each need to take care of our own needs to some extent before we go about trying to give to others.
It’s really very simple. You are the center of your universe. Everything you see, hear, feel and experience goes out in concentric spheres from your point of awareness there in the center of your world. This is not some weird idea, it’s pure rational fact.
Your self, your universe as you perceive it, is what you carry into any relationship you enter. All of your cumulative life experience, your “family baggage”, your emotional and behavioral patterns are part of what you bring.
You are responsible for what you contribute to the relationship. The other person is responsible for his or her own contribution. This means simply that you have the job of maintaining your own physical, emotional mental and spiritual health. That way you bring a healthy person into the relationship, which is a true gift to your partner.
Let’s look at some of the inner dimensions to your relationship with yourself. The physical self is closer to the surface and more observable than any of the other aspects. We share our thoughts and ideas more easily and readily than we do our emotions, so the mental self would be next.
Our emotional self goes very deep into our being and much of it is subconscious. Our emotions are more private than many of our thoughts, so we may see them as closer to the core of our being.
You might say that the spiritual self or the spiritual aspects of love are at the heart of who we are. Our spiritual feelings, experiences and beliefs are deeper and more private than perhaps any other aspect of who we are. The spiritual dimension naturally expands to include the emotional, mental and physical self as focus and development occur at this deepest level of relationship.
This is our first work in creating a healthy relationship with another. It takes two basically healthy, growing people to make a healthy relationship.
2. COMMITMENT TO ROLE
We are each responsible for the role we play in our relationships. It is a mistake to make our role totally dependent on the behavior of the other. For example, “I would be a better husband if she would only . . .” The truth is that you are responsible for the kind of husband or wife you are, no matter what your spouse may or may not do. Your role is your creation and responsibility.”
By taking charge of defining your role as husband, wife, lover, friend, mother, father, son, daughter, boss or employee, you are empowering yourself in the relationship and removing yourself from the victim position. The tricky part about this is that our basic training for these roles was in our family of origin and early childhood experience. This is one of the reasons that family-of-origin work is so important as a part of any couples or relationship counseling process.
Here are some ideas to help you clarify and take charge of the roles you play in your significant relationships:
a. Write down what you learned about the roles of wife and mother from your mother, and husband and father roles from your father. (Add any other roles you are interested in exploring, the source being your primary role model in that area.) This will give you an idea of your subconscious mind-set regarding these roles.
b. Write new definitions of these roles for yourself, using your own knowledge and goals as guidelines.
c. Next write about all the reasons you feel you cannot fulfill the ideal roles you have defined for yourself. Consider these to be some of your barriers to intimacy, and use the skills you gain in this book to overcome them.
d. Create affirmations in first person, present tense to form new attitudes and beliefs about yourself and your ability to fulfill your own ideal role in your relationships. Use your negative and self-limiting beliefs as a springboard for arriving at these new beliefs.
e. Plan specific behaviors that will help you to actualize your ideal role fulfillment.
This is a further extension of what you offer in your relationship. Your commitment is to bring into the relationship a healthy, growing individual who is further committed to being the best spouse, lover, parent or friend possible. All of this happens before even considering the influence of the other person.
3. COMMITMENT TO THE RELATIONSHIP
This is where we really begin to give consideration to the thoughts, feelings and needs of the other person. We each have individual responsibility for ourselves and our roles, and we share mutual responsibility for our relationships. When our commitment follows this priority, we bring a healthy person with well-defined functional roles into the relationship. Therefore, our contribution to the relationship is the best we have to offer and we are responsible for our contribution.
There is a tremendous amount of material that could be covered under the heading of boundaries and this covers only a small part of that subject matter. The point here is that emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health automatically create a powerful basis for functional boundaries. In making your health your responsibility and your first priority of commitment in your relationship, you are taking an important step toward creating healthy boundaries.
With these steps taken, we are ready to invest all that we choose in our relationship, making healthy intimacy a very real possibility.
Imagine your relationship as a third entity in your marriage, friendship, etc. Together with your partner, invite a loving spirit (God, your higher power or the loving deity of your choice) into the relationship. Decide that your behavior toward each other is always going to be governed as if you were in the presence of a divine, loving being. Bring only the best of yourself to this sacred space of your relationship, and when bringing other aspects than your best, do so with the utmost respect and sensitivity. Treat your partner as an honored guest at all times, and together invite the honored guest of a loving spiritual presence into your relationship. This can become an ongoing meditation and/or prayer for the health and success of any relationship.
Without at some point claiming our anger and its sense of empowerment, we do not feel the strength and courage necessary to risk true intimacy, sharing our deepest feelings, thoughts and dreams. Without healthy anger, we certainly will not have healthy boundaries.
WITH HEALTHY ANGER, YOU CAN EXPECT BETTER BOUNDARIES, GREATER INTIMACY AND MORE FULFILLING, LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO HEAL YOUR ANGER NOW!
William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, speaker and president of the Institute for Personal and Professional Development. He has 37 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships. Get free information, watch videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at www.AngerManagementResource.com.
There are two times that people put the most effort into a relationship–at the beginning, and at the end. At the beginning, we want so much to spend time together that we will make time to do whatever it takes. At the end of a relationship, we spend a lot of effort just to keep ourselves together while our relationship is falling apart. Many people learn too late that the most important time to work on a relationship is . . . every day. Because, while choosing a good partner is essential, just committing to someone does not ensure years of happiness.
To continue to reap the rewards of a great relationship, there is a continual amount of work that must be done. Just as a farmer cannot sow his seeds and sit back until they mature, so it is that we cannot expect an initial commitment to carry us to a great relationship.
Following these 10 steps will help to keep your relationship healthy and thriving:
1. Give and take–Couples who have been married 50 years or more say that the number one reason their marriages have survived is “give and take.” There are times that our needs must be met, but there are also times when we need to sacrifice for the sake of our partner (and our relationship).
2. Dating–Dating is not just for meeting people. It is the number one ingredient in keeping a marriage fun. The more children there are in a relationship, the greater the need for dating. Dating can be defined as doing something enjoyable with your partner, outside the home, without the kids. One time a week is minimal for most couples.
3. Love is given–Love needs to be demonstrated in ways that are perceived as loving by our partner. Just to feel like we love our partner is not enough to keep their love tank full. For some, loving is receiving gifts or favors; for others physical touch or sex; and for others it is doing activities together. Just because we like something doesn’t mean our partner does. Love must be given in a way that it can be received.
4. Trust is earned–Without trust there can be no intimacy in a relationship. Trust, unlike love, is not given but can only be earned. We earn our partner’s trust by following through on our commitments and consistently behaving in a way that is good for our relationship.
5. Communicate honestly–Lack of honest communication indicates lack of trust or insecurity. Either is detrimental to a relationship. To be honest with each other means that there must be a freedom to express ideas that your partner does not like and does not have to like. When we agree that listening does not necessitate agreement, it is easier to be open and honest with each other.
6. Use the power of visualization–We can only achieve what we can conceive. The way you think about your partner and your future together will impact the way you feel and behave toward each other. Negative images must lead to corrective action or be replaced with positive ones. Positive thinking about your partner puts a gleam in your eye which is apparent to your partner.
7. Make your needs known–Eliminate all complaining by changing your complaints to requests. Requests risk rejection, but complaints guarantee it. Do you really want your spouse to stop watching TV or are you really wanting your spouse to sit and talk with you? Ask your spouse to sit and talk with you rather than complaining about his or her TV viewing.
8. Agree–Rather than listening for the part of what your partner is saying that you disagree with and then debating about it, listen for what your partner is saying that you agree with. Sometimes partners feel like you are looking for something to pick at because you only comment when you disagree. Frequent agreement will make the disagreements more tolerable.
9. Go the extra step–The little bit extra that we do for any job or relationship makes all the difference both in early dating and in maintaining the relationship. Make your spouse’s lunch? Include a little love note. Greet your spouse with a kiss? Kiss his or her neck too. Whatever you do, think about how you can add just a little more to make it special.
10. Make a relationship plan–Living from day to day without any goals for the future leads to routine, stagnation, boredom, or burnout. When you and your partner are working on goals together, you share something that the rest of the world doesn’t have. And that creates a special world for the two of you.
Just as it’s easier to change your car oil than to replace the transmission, so it is easier to work on your relationship before problems occur. Being in love has never been enough to maintain a long term relationship. Doing what it takes to have a good long term relationship, however, will increase your feelings of love. Working one on one with a relationship coach will give you more specific ways to address issues important to your relationship. Success can happen if you make it happen.
Building a healthy relationship is such a worthy goal to have. So many people simply drift through life and the experience of their relationship suffers as a consequence.
They can be like two strangers living together, simply going through the motions of daily activity, without any real connection between themselves, and lacking any elements of a healthy relationship.
This can mean, a couple get together, and before they know it, they have children. Given the time and effort required to raise children, this is their priority.
Building a healthy relationship does not even come into the equation. Children grow up and leave home, and couples end up in the empty nest position where they wonder what to do with themselves, living in an unhappy marriage. There is no indication of any traits of a healthy relationship.
Before long grandchildren fill the gap. This is now their focus and life goes on in an accustomed manner, and any signs of a healthy relationship are non existent.
It is easy to identify people in this situation, especially as they get older. They are the ones you see in restaurants or cafes, sitting opposite each other with barely a word being said between them. They look lost and lonely.
Whereas when people have building a healthy relationship as their goal, their experience of life is totally different. It means this is their priority, everything else fits in around them. They see each other as someone special.
It means couples make time for each other, they do not allow the distractions of life, such as work and having children, take precedence over this primary concern.
They always communicate, knowing how the other is feeling and managing their life. They have meals together, and organize having special moments, such as going to the movies or the theater, and having time away together. They have a very healthy relationship.
Building a healthy relationship also means each person has total respect for the other. There is no place for nastiness, aggravation or resentment in such an arrangement.
These latter traits, are some of the characteristics of unhealthy relationships, that eat away at people, and can literally lead to ill health.
Not only that, people can just feel so awful generally, and many people get stuck in these situations as patterns are established,and they end up in an unhappy marriage.
It can make their experience of life very depressing. In my view life is too short to remain in such circumstances, especially when there are opportunities for building a healthy relationship.
They don’t know, or realize, they do have a choice. They don’t have to stay in these types of relationships. Alternatively they could see a professional to help them make the changes required to have the characteristics of a healthy relationship.
If a couple were to do that, it is crucial they be clear about their motivation in order for there to be any satisfactory outcome.
Other aspects of building a healthy relationship include acknowledging each person in the relationship is of equal status.
This means there is no one in charge in the relationship. It is a partnership between two equals. I realize there will be some who will disagree with this view based on beliefs you may have, according to your understanding of scripture, or whatever.
When I shared this view with a group of Mormons I was asked to give a talk to, I got a standing ovation in response.
When each person holds the same status, it follows there is no longer any room for set roles in the relationship, which is usually to the woman’s disadvantage with no signs of a healthy relationship.
Now the building of a healthy relationship is demonstrated by each person sharing in the domestic and parental responsibilities.
No longer, when men are involved in these activities, is it viewed as helping, which has an inference that it is the man helping the woman do what is viewed as her responsibility.
I’m sure you will agree with me, when we talk about building a healthy relationship in this way, it makes such a difference to how we all can experience life.
This is to everyone’s advantage. It is a true win/win. This leads to us all having a more satisfying, richer and fulfilling life.
Leo Ryan is a counselor with over twenty years experience in the field dealing primarily with relationships.
He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on the subject, as well as being interviewed by all sectors of the media about his work.
He is passionate about people having great relationships, and his website is dedicated to that purpose.
He is the author of the ebook “How to Have An Extraordinary Relationship”.
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